week five & six: on community

I was really hoping I wouldn’t miss a week, but, c’est la vie. I bet writing Week Four’s reflection at a reasonable time jinxed me.

With the card sketches in progress, I finally feel like I have something to show for my progress. And just like I predicted in week four, I have definitely been falling into the trap of underestimating the intangible work that got me here.

Something really nice happened though. Today, I had an interview for a position in a club that makes software for clients. When my interviewer, Angeli, asked about an achievement of mine, I immediately thought of this project (it’s become my personality and I’m either working on it or thinking about it at any given time /hj). But instead of speaking on the tangible results, I shared the mental and emotional difficulties I underwent. I spoke on the grief as I watched my community face the beginnings of genocide, and how I had to set my fears aside for cause so much bigger than me. Her response was pretty simple; she took a few moments to think on it, and then described how much it meant to her. But even for interview politeness standards, the discussion seemed to have an impact on her, and her quiet but emotional response had me reevaluating how profound my experiences really are.

Internal reflection is great, but it’s much easier for me to “say the right things” than to actually feel them. It took me feeling the impact of my experiences radiate off someone else for me to genuinely understand its meaning. After growing up in an educational system that disregards the process and only rewards results, this project has played a major part in my deconditioning. I genuinely feel myself growing as a person because of it.

On a larger note, I have been supported and empowered by community throughout this project. At points where I feel overwhelmed or disappointed in myself, I am reminded of how few first-years pursue the Trailblazer award. There’s imposter syndrome and anger with myself, like my difficulties mean I wasn’t ready to tackle the project. The feeling of not being enough rears its ugly head, and suddenly I’m 10 years old again, bullied out of attending a local Ugandan school because I couldn’t pass as a “proper Ugandan”.

But before I can sink too deep, someone pulls me out. Sometimes it’s Michelle, or my sister. Sometimes its Angeli, Jack, Emma, or Kelsey. Sometimes its Syd, Leah, or Quinn. Sometimes its the digital art club, or even my parents. Intentional or not, I am kept afloat by my communities. I am reminded that this project is real and impactful, and that it can be so much more than me, if I just let it.

My self-doubt is something that other people don’t struggle with, and in this case, I’m grateful to be unrelatable.

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Goal for the week: I’m going to talk about this project as much as possible. Forget being annoying. I will reach out to my support system at least twice, if not more. I want to be selfish with their time, asking for their help as I need it.

I’m tempted to clarify that I shouldn’t be too selfish, but anyone who knows me knows that shouldn’t be my primary concern. A wise woman on tik tok once said: You’re not going to stumble into becoming a raging egomaniac if you stop people-pleasing, for like, one second.

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I’m going to reach out and take the kindness my community is offering.

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SM