week two: on resolve

So, I know what I need to do.

I’m in a unique position, of being intimately connected to a cause, being in a safe space to speak on it, and having a platform to be heard. And yes, I’m in a safe space to speak on it. The conversation with my mom shook me badly. It left me scared and hurt, but underneath that layer of fear was resilience. I knew there was more to the story than what she told me, not just about the LGBTQ movement in Uganda, but what my place in it could be. I talked to two people — a friend who could speak to the activism (protesting, attacks, and protecting themself and their family) and my sister, who could speak to being Ugandan, and the situation as a whole. After hearing their perspectives, and doing some research and reflection on my own, I found my resolution.

Not only am I going to talk about being LGBTQ and being Ugandan, explicitly, in this project, but I’m making it the center focus.

Introducing my project, v3: on courage (card deck)! The project proposal has been updated to match this new direction, though almost everything is the same except for the 4 topics the deck will cover, and the underlying questions this project will answer.

Week two was slow, but surprisingly productive! I’ve shifted the timeline to give this first topic an extra week — I lost most of the last week to heavy reflection and coming to terms with everything. Week 10 had a day’s worth of tasks, so it was reasonable to combine it with Week 9 and still have a realistic timeline.

On another note, I’m a bit concerned about the research process. Homophobia and lgbt trauma is already a triggering topic for me, and it can be difficult for me to read about it extensively. It is still worth it, and knowing that this hits so close to home spurs me on to keep working. I am making an effort to find and mark down what pulls me out of slumps, so I know what to do when research gets a bit too intense.

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Goals for the week: I want to be mindful of any emotional reactions to the research, in order to take care of myself, but also to be aware of how users of the card deck may feel too. That will affect how I present the material, because I want it to be impactful, but not discouraging. I know a common response to hearing about how intensely terrible our world sometimes is is to shut down altogether, and lean into apathy, which only works against creating change. It’s also just… not good in general. Though there’s a lot of presenting research in this project, it’s still an art piece, so me being emotionally aware is key to the project doing what it needs to do.

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I’m doing much better than I was last week. Knowing that I have a support system and developing strategies of self-care is absolutely the reason why I can keep on doing this. Even the hardships I’m facing contribute to how urgent and important this project feels. I have hope that this will turn out to be something really cool!

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SM